The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
