Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
