he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
