I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize
