end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
