I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
