she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
