I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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