I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
this is an emotional support booty call
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize
