How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
