nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
