you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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