can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
