I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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