If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
