I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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