Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
