In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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