Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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