do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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