dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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