remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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