Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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