I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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