i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
