my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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