Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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