I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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