We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
