I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
