I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
this hospital has no fireball
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
