Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
how drunk are you?
Several
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
