Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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