just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
