new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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