I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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