Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
So squirting runs in the family.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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