I like to think it a success when the cops are called
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
