My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Randomize
