also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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