My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
