i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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