Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Your penis caused this!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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