The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
