I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
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