I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
