Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
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