oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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