Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I have already put on my inside pants.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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