This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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