im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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