I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
