I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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