He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
