i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
